I think it finally hit me today that it’s nearly mid-December and the year has officially started to wind down. When did 2012 decide to just sneak up like that?

I can easily say that 2011 has purely been about relationships. I have always been very blessed in who has been put into my life. But over the past few years, I have kind of struggled with knowing who to let in and who to politely shut the door on. Often times, I give people one too many chances and end up getting burned in the end. But this year, this year has been different. I feel like I finally have become much stronger and I feel like I have a good grasp on realizing who does and doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

So, when I look back on 2011, I’m not thinking about who is no longer in my life, I’m just smiling remembering all the millions of moments I have shared with all the wonderful people I am truly blessed to have in my life. I smile thinking about how much we have grown as individuals and as friends and it just makes me so happy.

In a couple of weeks I’ll be starting a new job and another semester at school. I am looking forward to both as well as continuing to build & enjoy my friendships.

Happy Holidays, friends. May yours be filled with joy, love, and laughter.

“Our relationships are mirrors – who we choose, who we let choose us, how people treat us, how we handle the hard patches and the good times – it’s all a mircocosm of our own personalities.” ~Bethenny Frankel

The first week of school has officially ended and can I just say DAMN! My ass was handed to me this week. With each class only being 8 weeks long, they are already fast-paced in and of themselves. Combine that with a too packed week and you get spending Friday night at home finishing homework (already delirious) and praying to get more than 5 hours of sleep.

I am overwhelmed to say the least. I know that this is most definitely manageable though. It’s really just a matter of allowing myself an adjustment period. I haven’t been to school in 5 years and let’s be serious, working a full-time job, being on the Relay for Life committee, finding time to workout, trying to maintain a small social life, and finishing all the discussions, labs, assignments, and reading for 2 classes is not exactly easy to balance.

In the midst of this crazy and completely draining week, I’ve noticed some changes. Primarily changes in some people’s behaviors. It’s amazing how when you finally do something for yourself, how truly unsupportive your so-called friends really are. In my FIRST week of classes, I was already getting shit from people about not being able to attend events, not being able to stay long at happy hour, etc etc… and it truly surprised me. Here I am, taking a huge leap and doing something that will essentially help me have a better career, and I’m getting push back from the people that I need support from the most.

After a long chat with a close friend tonight, I was reminded of a blog post that I read earlier this week. The post is titled, “Belong to Yourself & You’ll Find Who Else You Belong To!” As much as I loved the entire post, there were 2 parts that really stuck with me that I want to share with you:

“When you’re surrounded by the right people, who believe what you believe and support your dreams, you can thrive.”

and a Will Smith quote:
“You will see how far in life you’ll go with the 5 people you spend the most amount of time with.”

I see very clearly now that not everyone is going to support my decision to go back to school but I realize now more than ever that the people who don’t support me are not the right kind of people that I need to be surrounded with.

If you only take one thing from my rambling rant tonight (which may not even make sense tomorrow), please take this with you:

Surround yourself with people that will lift you up in moments of weakness, doubt, and fear, and then lift you up even higher in moments of happiness, love, and hope. Everyone else is irrelevant to the betterment of YOU.

“Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.”

*Blog title lyric credit goes to Passion Pit – Little Secrets
Photo credit: http://weheartit.com/entry/13895105

Holiday’s are ALWAYS a BIG deal in our family. Not just big because it’s a holiday but big because holy crap, we have a HUGE family – minimum of 20 E-V-E-R-Y single time. And anytime you put that many people in one place it’s an ordeal. About 11-12 years ago, my family and I drove up to Indiana to see our family for Thanksgiving. One of the days there, I decided to offer to help slice up some potatoes! My Aunt and Mom gladly accepted my help and I was on my way – cuttin’ up a storm! I got to a point where…well, I’ll save you from the disgusting details, but I basically almost sliced my thumb off. It was bloody, there were tears, and it was a HUGE ordeal. More details than that is definitely not needed. (You’re welcome.)

To this day, I am quite often reminded of that not so awesome moment in time – as to my beautiful Mother tends to not want me to cut things, basically ever. =) This past weekend I went to visit my Mom for Mother’s Day and we had gone to Publix to get all sorts of snacks, veggies, and of course some Sangria for our Saturday evening full of recliners, the Magic game, and movies! But as we were in the kitchen cutting up the veggies and cheese, I felt this stare coming from next to me and then this soft and sweet, “do you need help?” from my Mom. I laugh now when she does it because I know she’s just looking out for me (and doesn’t want me to cut my finger off!), and I think it’s just human nature to offer help or show concern for each other – especially those we love and care about.

There are so many ways I see people take care of me or vice versa. Whether it’s buying lunch because we know they’re struggling a bit, sending a friendly email to tell someone we’re thinking about them, or even sending ::HUGS:: through text messages – it’s all different ways that we tend to take care of each other and personally, I think it’s awesome.

But what gets to me and what is hard for me to understand is when you WANT to help and be there for someone and they won’t let you. I hate feeling helpless. HATE it. Bending over backwards to help and be there for people is how I was raised and it’s just in my blood to try to do everything within my power to put a smile on their face. But when that time comes when I’m not needed or wanted it just … I don’t know… it just feels empty. I guess everyone fights their battles and gets through things differently. And I guess all you can really do is let them know you’re there for them, hope they find their clarity, and hope to see that smile on their face again really soon.

Well, as I mentioned on Monday, the flu graced me with its ugly presence last week. I’ve never had the flu before, and I’m pretty confident when I say, I hope I never have it again – hah. Even though there were lots of bad things from the flu, there were definitely some good things that happened…

• I renewed my vows with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It is basically the greatest sandwich out there (only if you use strawberry jam though).
• I got an inordinate amount of sleep.
• I unconsciously forgot about coffee for 7 days! And I only had about half a cup on Monday. :)
• I found out that Maury Povich actually still has a job.
• And my old friend, the paint brush, came back into my life.

I don’t think I really tell anyone my love for painting because it really isn’t that big of a deal to me – just a hobby. But it’s definitely something I’ve lost sight of in the past year. I honestly don’t even remember the last time I picked up a brush, nonetheless painted the entire afternoon away. I always feel so bad because my Mom will get me canvases and brushes and I just put them in the closet hoping someday my inspiration comes back to me. It was days like Sunday that I was really grateful my Mom continues to buy me that stuff because I just had this crazy urge to paint.

It was raining here in Orlando – the perfect weather to put on some David Gray, open the glass sliding door, listen to the raindrops on the trees, and just release onto the canvas. I started out adventurous, throwing colors all over the canvas not having a clue what I was doing – I was purely enjoying the fact that I finally picked up a brush again! Gradually as the day went on, I stopped again and again to sit back, reflect and strategically plan my next move.

As with most things, there is always this crucial turning point — THE POINT OF NO RETURN!

Essentially, no part of a painting is “final,” yet I always feel like it is. With one stroke of a brush you can change the painting to something completely beautiful or it can turn into a giant mess of frustration and have it just go downhill. I often see the “giant mess of frustration” and “downhill” because let’s face it – I’m not a very patient person sometimes and so I just go throwing colors around like I know them and I screw up the painting. But Sunday? Now Sunday was unique. This weird sense of calmness came over me as I was planning, reflecting, and diving into blues, yellows, and reds. I realize now I had found the perfect combination of adventurous and strategic. Enough adventure to take a chance and put actual buttons on the canvas, yet strategic enough to use a needle and thread to attach them instead of glue and to know at what point to stop and say, “enough is enough.”

It’s funny to think about the words, “enough is enough.” There are so many situations where it applies – whether it’s a painting, a relationship, exercising (haha), or even just time to find something new – it’s like this quiet surrender to yourself just telling you to stop. This weird sense of calmness and peace comes over you and you’re just waving your little white flag.

I went to grab a drink with a friend on Monday to talk about friends, boys, jobs, opportunities, shopping, and anything else that came along with our frosty beverages – some good, some bad, some hurtful, and some hopeful. And even though through the entire conversation we never actually said to each other, “enough is enough,” we were both quietly waving our white flags, surrendering.

It’s quite humorous to me how something like this can relate so easily to the process of completing a painting but it’s kind of ironic in a sense. There’s always going to be something happening in your life where you get to a point – a crucial “point of no return” where you have to make a decision – keep trying or just be done. I don’t want anyone to get me wrong – I don’t think this is a negative thing…in fact, I think it’s quite positive. To me, “enough is enough” does not equal, “I give up.” But in fact, “enough is enough” equals, “I’ve done everything within my power to make this situation the absolute best that it can be and there is nothing left I can give to it to make it better.”

And I think on any given day, in any given situation, I’d rather take some adventure with a little bit of strategy, know when to surrender my little white flag, and say enough is enough.

I call it “Heart on a String.”

Sometimes I feel like there are certain people who keep moving, who keep doing what it takes to rise to the top – to be better, to grow, to learn, to network, to experience life. And then there are people who are stuck in their time warp. I’m not talking about those people or “friends” you need to take to the trash. I’m talking about the friends that haven’t really done a single thing wrong to you. They haven’t said anything hurtful to you, they haven’t betrayed you, they didn’t steal your boyfriend, or wished bad things on you. They have simply just stayed the same friend they’ve always been.

But for some reason, you just don’t want to be around them. You find yourself wanting to do some work on the side. Or stay home and watch the Discovery channel. Or dare I say it? You just simply find yourself wanting to be around other people. People that want more in their life than just mediocre.

Sure, you still care about them. You still respect and love them for who they are and what they’ve brought to your life. You still want what’s best for them. And you definitely don’t want to hurt them.

But you can’t help from wanting to slowly free yourself from those hands grasping so tightly to your friendship.

I was racking my brain trying to figure out why this happens. How something so innocent can be so hurtful to someone else. And then it dawned on me.

The reason is simply this: It’s not you. It’s me.

People change. People grow up. People want more for themselves. People don’t want to be stuck in the past. They want to rise to the top – to grow, to learn, to network, to experience life. Don’t you want that for other people? Don’t you want your friends to follow their dreams…to be happy? As harsh as this sounds, sometimes you just gotta realize that maybe, just maybe, you’re not meant to ride that train with them. Some people only come into your life for a reason – for a need. And what happens after that need is met?

You live.
You love.
You move on.

No hard feelings, right?

After last week’s post about life’s crazy twists and turns, I really got to thinking about happiness and life. It seemed like a good time to have a seat and try to figure out all this crazy curiosity and questioning.

Now, by all means, I’m no expert on how to find happiness because that is truly something you must find on your own. But what I can tell you is that I tend to pretty much over analyze everything and most of the time it leads me to a dead end street, while other times it leads me to some clarity. I’ve asked myself 3 questions, and I can only hope that maybe my clarity can help lead you to your own.

1. Who am I trying to make happy?

When I first asked myself this question, I immediately thought, “DUH! I’m trying to make myself happy!”

But am I? …Are you?

Think about it. Think about all the pressures you face daily. Pressure to make your boss happy, your friends happy, your professors happy, your significant other happy, your family happy, and whoever else you’re trying to make happy.

But when did we forget about ourselves? When did we start putting everyone else in front of us?

This completely baffles me. I think about it, chuckle, and then promptly respond with “I don’t know.” I have no clue when I stopped putting myself in front of others…in fact, I’m not sure I ever even started. And for that, I’m just going to say, be selfish. Do things for YOU, and by all means, realize that is okay.

2. Why am I rushing it?

I know that growing and changing as a person is a process – that it takes time. And when I think about this, my mind kind of wanders to those diet pills that “GUARANTEES WEIGHT LOSS IN 2 DAYS!” Come on…we all know that even if you lose the guaranteed weight in 2 days, the second you eat some delicious ice cream or pizza or sushi, you’re going to gain it all right back.

So, just as losing weight (and actually keeping it off!) takes hard work, time, and persistence, so does finding happiness. You won’t find it over night and you surely won’t find it in 2 days.

3. Why haven’t I taken out the trash?

Often times there are things or people that linger in your life and just won’t go away. It’s that smell in the kitchen that lingers and you can’t seem to find it. Or you think you’ve found it and then a few days later, it comes right back, stinkin’ up your whole house.

If you think it’s not good for you, it’s probably not. So, find it. And get rid of it. For good.

I don’t know if you agree or disagree but regardless, take the time to realize that you matter – that your happiness matters.

And hey, if nothing else, just swim.